Up Yours Truly

A fairy tale about software development

Dizzy Jones – The main man

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Dizzy Jones himselfThere is no object he could not sell at least 10 times of it’s original cost. He is the one who can sell a used pencil for $99.99 by convincing it’s a brand new 16GB high speed USB storage device extracted from aliens at Area 51. He can even sell it twice. To same guy. By talking him to give it back for violation of EULA in first place. To a guy who does not own a computer, i.e. a homeless person who is well aware of technology. Even if the guy would have to sell his kidney to get the pencil, but hell, he would.

When Dizzy starts talking, everybody listens. They have no choice because he talks too fast to get interrupted. And of course he is the CEO behind the SHIT Inc. As every successful CEO of a fortune 5000 company like SHIT Inc., Dizzy has no clue about what is going on, as he barely visits the office. When he does, every employee stands up and honors him with Hail Hitler move out of plain respect.

Mr. Jones is great at hiring people. If the interviewee has any weak points at all, Dizzy finds them and stabs the fellow mentally so hard that the person has the following three choices left:

  1. Hang himself.
  2. Pay $99/month for a chance to work at SHIT Inc. 60 hours a week as a volunteer.
  3. Pretend that Universe is a figment of his imagination and get an instant out of body experience. In other words, to have a permanent coma.

If you wish to apply to SHIT Inc., you should first take a 3-year course of training in courtesy of Shoalin monks. When you can slay a Bengal tiger by looking him in the eye for three minutes and break construction blocks with your forehead – you are ready.

In early days of the company Dizzy Jones did programming too. He didn’t have to know any programming language, his code was so convincing that any compiler would make a perfect bug-free byte code out of his Microsoft Word documents. Nobody understands this phenomenon and perhaps never will. It must be because average person uses 2% of his brain while Dizzy Jones uses the whole 99.99%.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm

Posted in Colleagues

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Willy Benton – Senior Web specialist, designer and programmer

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Willy BentonWilly is special. Not in the “Special Olympics” kind of way, simply special. He’s got awesome talent of programming HTML with Macromedia Dreamweaver IDE. Many were amazed of how innovative he gets when it comes to programming web pages. Willy has worked in SHIT for years, he is one of the oldest and most respected developers around. I’m absolutely sure he is one of the key members behind W3C, though Willy denies it as he is a decent, unspoiled person that refuses to accept his great achievements.

On the personal side, he’s got truly immense sense of humor which he tends to express by emailing funny pictures and YouTube links to colleagues all day long. Have I mentioned that he is the most stylish software developer I met? Great hairdo, fancy outfit – any woman in our company would die for him.

Despite of Willy’s gorgeous looks, all his achievements are the result of his knowledge and wisdom. He recently realized that his wizardry of HTML programming has reached the limit of perfection therefore he moved to a next level – the wonderful land of PHP. Nobody has a doubt that he will soon overcome the best specialists of this beautiful programming language. SHIT Inc. should start worrying about Zend taking him over as a core PHP internals developer.

Some of Willy’s award-winning methodologies will be secretly revealed under “Best Practices” section which will appear on this blog really soon, so stay tuned! A great tribute of his upcoming PHP development success must go to his weapon of choice – Macromedia Dreamweaver:

The Dreamweaver

When asked a question “Willy, what inspires you the most?”, he mysterious grins and says “I think it’s Chuck.”.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 25, 2008 at 11:14 am

The Company

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To begin with, let me introduce the main environment – my company. Don’t get me wrong, It doesn’t belong to me, I simply work here. The Company has a great, honorable name – Special Highly Intelligent Technologies Inc. I’ll refer to it as SHIT Inc. or simply SHIT for shorters. As of today SHIT is one of the leading software development companies there is. The philosophy behind company’s great fortune is simple, beautiful to perfection, just like a raw diamond. Here is the official mission statement:

“We stick our head up the ass of The Rich and do it with pride. The poor can go fuck themselves and visit our competitors, which we have none worthy. Yeah.”

The short version:

“Stay deep up the ass and don’t let go.”

SHIT Inc. products are based on a rock-solid stack of both mainstream and bleeding-edge programming languages:

Programming Language % of all code
PHP 55.7%
HTML 18.4%
SQL 10.0%
Java 5.2%
Ruby 3.1%
AJAX 1.6%
Python 0.06%
C 0.04%

I may get sued for disclosing this highly sensitive information though I have nothing to loose so be it. Other companies have the right to use these specific amounts of languages in their source code to make a quick fortune while “The SHIT Stack” patent (#5776122) is still pending.

Products of this company will not be disclosed. They are used by millions, commercial advertisements appear on all major television networks like ABC, CBS, NBC, BBC, MTV, you name it.

The innovations originating from top notch specialists – the bright minds SHIT is full of – are countless. That includes great tributes to Open Source communities, hosting of major IT seminars, inventing new standards and paradigms in software architectures, development, team management, software testing and deployment.

SHIT has a modern spacey office with unique design – no rooms nor cubicles, just thin walls with lots of huge holes you can go through, see through and hear through. The interior designer must be one of those who “doesn’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, he just fucks his uncle all day long“. The better the designer – the more gay he must be. That is one of the essential laws of physics, can’t help it. Thanks to this fanny bandit most of the company employees can easily communicate with the rest right from their seats – no need for an intercom!

Another great part of the big picture is the salary. Fuck it, I still can’t decide what should be my ride. The final choice is between these two – Chrysler 300C and Lexus LS460l. Any suggestions?

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 24, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Posted in The Story

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