Up Yours Truly

A fairy tale about software development

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The Secret of Oracle

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Have you ever wondered why Oracle products are so great and flawless? I have, for countless nights and days… And I believe the answers are:

What an amazing company!

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Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

April 28, 2008 at 12:05 pm

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The Company

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To begin with, let me introduce the main environment – my company. Don’t get me wrong, It doesn’t belong to me, I simply work here. The Company has a great, honorable name – Special Highly Intelligent Technologies Inc. I’ll refer to it as SHIT Inc. or simply SHIT for shorters. As of today SHIT is one of the leading software development companies there is. The philosophy behind company’s great fortune is simple, beautiful to perfection, just like a raw diamond. Here is the official mission statement:

“We stick our head up the ass of The Rich and do it with pride. The poor can go fuck themselves and visit our competitors, which we have none worthy. Yeah.”

The short version:

“Stay deep up the ass and don’t let go.”

SHIT Inc. products are based on a rock-solid stack of both mainstream and bleeding-edge programming languages:

Programming Language % of all code
PHP 55.7%
HTML 18.4%
SQL 10.0%
Java 5.2%
Ruby 3.1%
AJAX 1.6%
Python 0.06%
C 0.04%

I may get sued for disclosing this highly sensitive information though I have nothing to loose so be it. Other companies have the right to use these specific amounts of languages in their source code to make a quick fortune while “The SHIT Stack” patent (#5776122) is still pending.

Products of this company will not be disclosed. They are used by millions, commercial advertisements appear on all major television networks like ABC, CBS, NBC, BBC, MTV, you name it.

The innovations originating from top notch specialists – the bright minds SHIT is full of – are countless. That includes great tributes to Open Source communities, hosting of major IT seminars, inventing new standards and paradigms in software architectures, development, team management, software testing and deployment.

SHIT has a modern spacey office with unique design – no rooms nor cubicles, just thin walls with lots of huge holes you can go through, see through and hear through. The interior designer must be one of those who “doesn’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, he just fucks his uncle all day long“. The better the designer – the more gay he must be. That is one of the essential laws of physics, can’t help it. Thanks to this fanny bandit most of the company employees can easily communicate with the rest right from their seats – no need for an intercom!

Another great part of the big picture is the salary. Fuck it, I still can’t decide what should be my ride. The final choice is between these two – Chrysler 300C and Lexus LS460l. Any suggestions?

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 24, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Posted in The Story

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