Up Yours Truly

A fairy tale about software development

Archive for January 2008

SHIT Inc. is hiring!

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I have good news for you. There might be a slight chance that you can join the amazing team of SHIT Inc.!

The requirements are quite rough though:

10 years of battleground based experience in at least 5 of these programming languages:

  • Assembly
  • C
  • C++
  • C#
  • CSS
  • Java
  • JavaScript
  • PL/SQL
  • Python
  • PHP
  • Perl
  • Ruby
  • HTML

Well awareness of the following software development methodologies that are heavily used at SHIT Inc.:

  • Asshole Driven Development
  • Chaos (aka. Agile)
  • Blog Driven Development
  • Buzzword Driven Development
  • Cover Your Ass Engineering
  • Not My Problem Approach
  • Client Ass Licking Management
  • Leave This Do That Approach
  • Martin Fowler‘s Fat Ass Driven Development

We offer these great advantages for a full-time employee:

We offer you this position:

  • Junior Web Developer

If you think you can do it, including an interview with Dizzy, apply right here in the comments.

I understand there will be loads of requests, hopefully wordpress.com will manage to handle the pressure. We’ll see.

Take care now, see you at the interview!


Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 31, 2008 at 11:47 am

Posted in Amazing Offers

Tagged with , , ,

The Stairs of Death

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Today we’ll have a small Oracle workshop sponsored by one of our Oracle Certified Associates:

Oracle Associate Logo

Have you ever seen a huge, and I mean huge piece of code full of nested blocks? I bet you did. The most encouraging thing that could happen is to see something like this in your editor at the end:

5687:                END IF;  -- You can now hang yourself here.
5688:              END LOOP;  --                               |
5689:            END IF;      --                               |
5690:          END IF;        --                               O
5691:        END IF;          --                              /|\
5692:      END LOOP;          --                              / \
5693:    END IF;
5694:  END IF;

This is called The Stairs of Death. It’s the best way to express your love to those who some day will have to continue the development of this magnificent programming gem. You can imagine climbing up there and hanging yourself.

Such and similar ASCII (pronounced Ass-Key) art is usually found in code of Sergey Klepalov.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 29, 2008 at 12:17 pm

Mohamed Abdullah – Systems Administrator

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Mohamed AbdullahThis dude is our “root”. When Iraq got into this.. eh.. “inconvenient” situation a few years ago, Mohamed asked for shelter as he claims to be a pacifist. The AK47 assault rifle in his photo is legitimate and purchased from eBay for self defense purposes only. Here is the proof:

Mohamed’s Firearm Possession Permit. Valid, of course.

In fact, you should consider getting one too. I’ve heard they have discounts for mass purchases. Here is the ad Mohamed gave me a while ago:

Get guns off the streets - buy one yourself!

It happened that Dizzy Jones was the one who noticed his talent. Believe it or not but Mohamed Abdullah is the best systems administrator you can have. After he got hired at SHIT Inc. all employees suddenly stopped complaining about router configurations, proxy restrictions, broken keyboards, no Internet connection, etc. Isn’t it wonderful?

However, this great guy has a small issue – he’s not a social person. But you won’t find a good systems administrator that is. That must be another law of physics. First law of physics was “There is no designer that is not gay”. I’m going to start writing them down somewhere. Mohamed also lacks a sense of humor but that’s fine – different cultures laugh at different things.

When asked a question “What do you do after work, Mohamed?” he knits his brows and answers “I SET UP FIREWALLS, WHY?”.

For the unbelievably low budget spent on hardware for the past year Dizzy Jones entitled Mohamed Abullah as “Employee of the Year 2007” and gave him this valuable gift CD with authentic autograph on it:

Valuable Gift CD with Dizzy Jones’ autograph!

Be sure to say hi to this dude next time you see him on metro! Don’t be afraid – deep inside he’s friendly and sensitive!

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 28, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Guaranteed Execution

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Dear Reader. Today is the opening of the Best Practices section and I am proud to introduce to you the first Design Pattern that was recently discovered by one of my beloved colleagues. Without further ado, here it is:

Pattern Name and Classification:
Guaranteed Execution

Discovered by: Willy Benton

Level of Complexity: Intermediate

Intent: Provides a fail safe way of executing a code block with 100% certainty.

Also Known As: Surefire Block, 100% Execution, Execute It For Real

Motivation (Forces): Imagine you have a code block that plays a very important role in your application. You wouldn’t want that block to be accidentally skipped by the compiler or interpreter, or by CPU in run time. You have to take precautions. Guaranteed Execution is the best practice in such occasions.

Applicability: Can be used in any programming language which supports If / Else constraints. Although, we suggest extensive use of Guaranteed Execution design pattern in PHP, Perl and Ruby to make sure your mission critical applications will work as expected.


Guaranteed Execution Design Pattern


Compiler / Interpreter / CPU – a thing that processes the code (the author is not quite sure which one is it).
Critical Code Block – a block of code which MUST be executed by any means necessary.
The Lure – If / Else statement that attracts the attention of Compiler / Interpreter / CPU therefore lures it into execution of the Critical Code Block.

Collaboration: Either compiler, interpreter or CPU is doing it’s usual daily job – computing and stuff. One of them notices The Lure – an If / Else statement, and says “Shit, this must be important, I’d better go execute it”. If / Else statement traps the Compiler / Interpreter / CPU and forces it to execute the Critical Code Block. Job well done!

Consequences: Your mission critical application will work as expected. No trade offs or side effects whatsoever as If / Else statements work really fast (“I am sure If / Else statements work as fast as your eye blinks” – W. Benton).

Implementation: The implementation is straightforward. It should get clear after reading the Sample Code.

Sample Code:

<!-- the usual HTML here -->


//Compiler / Interpreter / CPU hidden here somewhere

$a = 1;
$b = 2;

//The Lure
if (!is_empty($a + $b / 10032)) {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";
} else {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";

<!-- back to the usual HTML here -->

Known Uses: Number of mission critical applications of SHIT Inc. that cannot be disclosed.

Related Patterns: Soon to come (wait for the updates).

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 27, 2008 at 9:16 am

Sergey Klepalov – Senior software architect

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Sergey KlepalovSergey is the mastermind behind most of our products. He has 20 years of experience in Oracle and Java and has his own ways for solving problems. Such amount of skill must have opened his brain so he can answer any given question from Oracle or Java and his answer will happen to be the most optimal solution for the problem. He refuses to believe in Object Oriented Programming or Design Patterns as they are uncommon in nature of computer science. Klepalov has taken Java programming to new unbelievable heights. No other developer of SHIT Inc. is able to write a fully functional large scale enterprise Java program in a single Class with one method without using any external libraries except OracleJDBC drivers. And that, my friends, is done with no fancy IDE like Eclipse or IDEA which changes your diapers, powders your sorry ass and makes you a cup of sweet coffee while you drag and drop snippets and click “Next”, “Yes”, “Build”, “Run”, “Debug” or “Fix Memory Leaks” buttons, Sergey Klepalov does it with VIM. Because Real Men use VIM for everything. Period.

Klepalov is Oracle Certified Associate:

Oracle Associate Logo

And of course, a Certified Professional of Java Technology:

S. Klepalov’s Java Certification

I have tracked his Java certification process personally. Here is the unofficial chart of his passed Java certifications:

Klepalov’s Java Certification Achievements

Expects lots of “Best Practice” articles inspired by this great fellow soon.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 26, 2008 at 9:41 am

Posted in Colleagues

Tagged with , , ,

Dizzy Jones – The main man

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Dizzy Jones himselfThere is no object he could not sell at least 10 times of it’s original cost. He is the one who can sell a used pencil for $99.99 by convincing it’s a brand new 16GB high speed USB storage device extracted from aliens at Area 51. He can even sell it twice. To same guy. By talking him to give it back for violation of EULA in first place. To a guy who does not own a computer, i.e. a homeless person who is well aware of technology. Even if the guy would have to sell his kidney to get the pencil, but hell, he would.

When Dizzy starts talking, everybody listens. They have no choice because he talks too fast to get interrupted. And of course he is the CEO behind the SHIT Inc. As every successful CEO of a fortune 5000 company like SHIT Inc., Dizzy has no clue about what is going on, as he barely visits the office. When he does, every employee stands up and honors him with Hail Hitler move out of plain respect.

Mr. Jones is great at hiring people. If the interviewee has any weak points at all, Dizzy finds them and stabs the fellow mentally so hard that the person has the following three choices left:

  1. Hang himself.
  2. Pay $99/month for a chance to work at SHIT Inc. 60 hours a week as a volunteer.
  3. Pretend that Universe is a figment of his imagination and get an instant out of body experience. In other words, to have a permanent coma.

If you wish to apply to SHIT Inc., you should first take a 3-year course of training in courtesy of Shoalin monks. When you can slay a Bengal tiger by looking him in the eye for three minutes and break construction blocks with your forehead – you are ready.

In early days of the company Dizzy Jones did programming too. He didn’t have to know any programming language, his code was so convincing that any compiler would make a perfect bug-free byte code out of his Microsoft Word documents. Nobody understands this phenomenon and perhaps never will. It must be because average person uses 2% of his brain while Dizzy Jones uses the whole 99.99%.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm

Posted in Colleagues

Tagged with , , ,

Willy Benton – Senior Web specialist, designer and programmer

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Willy BentonWilly is special. Not in the “Special Olympics” kind of way, simply special. He’s got awesome talent of programming HTML with Macromedia Dreamweaver IDE. Many were amazed of how innovative he gets when it comes to programming web pages. Willy has worked in SHIT for years, he is one of the oldest and most respected developers around. I’m absolutely sure he is one of the key members behind W3C, though Willy denies it as he is a decent, unspoiled person that refuses to accept his great achievements.

On the personal side, he’s got truly immense sense of humor which he tends to express by emailing funny pictures and YouTube links to colleagues all day long. Have I mentioned that he is the most stylish software developer I met? Great hairdo, fancy outfit – any woman in our company would die for him.

Despite of Willy’s gorgeous looks, all his achievements are the result of his knowledge and wisdom. He recently realized that his wizardry of HTML programming has reached the limit of perfection therefore he moved to a next level – the wonderful land of PHP. Nobody has a doubt that he will soon overcome the best specialists of this beautiful programming language. SHIT Inc. should start worrying about Zend taking him over as a core PHP internals developer.

Some of Willy’s award-winning methodologies will be secretly revealed under “Best Practices” section which will appear on this blog really soon, so stay tuned! A great tribute of his upcoming PHP development success must go to his weapon of choice – Macromedia Dreamweaver:

The Dreamweaver

When asked a question “Willy, what inspires you the most?”, he mysterious grins and says “I think it’s Chuck.”.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 25, 2008 at 11:14 am