Up Yours Truly

A fairy tale about software development

The Secret of Oracle

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Have you ever wondered why Oracle products are so great and flawless? I have, for countless nights and days… And I believe the answers are:

What an amazing company!

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Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

April 28, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Posted in The Story

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10 Tips on How To Code Like an Asshole

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Have you noticed that lots of programmers are trying to express themselves through their code to show how nasty they are? They enjoy the idea that years later some lucky guy like you will have to dig into their mess and say something like “Shit, this dude must be a tough mother fucker, he would probably beat the hell out of my in the bar. Even his code looks so nasty!”. Some programming languages actually help you to achieve this result by providing features like case insensitive code, chance to use Unicode in programing entity names, all the possible occurances of under_score_crap, Asshole_Case, Super_Fucking_AssHole.SUPERCONVENTIONALSTUFF and similar sightings in core libraries… Undoubtly, the more asshole features language can offer – the more popular the it gets. To name a few sharks: Oracle PL/SQL, PHP, Perl, Ruby, VB. Any of these can help you express how much of an asshole you are! Now, the tips for those who want to express themselves:

Admit it!

1. Screw the code conventions. Be original – be yourself. Mix spaces with tabs, mix CamelCase with Asshole_Case and CHUCKNORRISCASE. 80 char line limit is for pussies. Discover your own special style!

2. Comments are for losers. Great code speaks for itself. Never comment any code, just make sure to add a header with Author name and email so future readers will know whom to send job offers, fan mail or love letters to.

3. Experienced software developers know what code reuse means. Show that you are are a master of reuse by copy-pasting pieces of code from other projects, same project, same file, various snippets from the internet. Use Google’s “I’m feeling lucky” button and take the first code example that appears. Make sure you modify it as little as possible.

4. Blogs are the source of knowledge, so make sure to use all the new open source libraries that were out within the last couple of months. Time tested stuff is just a legacy.

5. Don’t give a fuck about resources. Computers are so fast these days.

6. The longer your methods are, the longer your penis is. Show how long is yours!

7. A Cyclomatic Complexity check shows how sophisticated and smart the author is, so make sure your CC is high enough. 25 is a dead minimum. Besides, you can do cool stuff with nested code.

8. Keep in mind that programming is a “write and forget” process. Do things quick and dirty. Your productivity will be so high that you will mostly get promoted.

9. Teamwork is a race. Be the winner – be sure to commit your changes before your teammates do. Then run home and let other losers work overtime to resolve the conflicts and enjoy your beautiful code.

10. Always argue with those who try to prove that you are doing something wrong. Only losers and pussies agree that they can be wrong. Father knows best!

Now you can code like an asshole too!

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

February 21, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Posted in Best Practices

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SHIT Inc. is hiring!

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I have good news for you. There might be a slight chance that you can join the amazing team of SHIT Inc.!

The requirements are quite rough though:

10 years of battleground based experience in at least 5 of these programming languages:

  • Assembly
  • C
  • C++
  • C#
  • CSS
  • Java
  • JavaScript
  • PL/SQL
  • Python
  • PHP
  • Perl
  • Ruby
  • HTML

Well awareness of the following software development methodologies that are heavily used at SHIT Inc.:

  • Asshole Driven Development
  • Chaos (aka. Agile)
  • Blog Driven Development
  • Buzzword Driven Development
  • Cover Your Ass Engineering
  • Not My Problem Approach
  • Client Ass Licking Management
  • Leave This Do That Approach
  • Martin Fowler‘s Fat Ass Driven Development

We offer these great advantages for a full-time employee:

We offer you this position:

  • Junior Web Developer

If you think you can do it, including an interview with Dizzy, apply right here in the comments.

I understand there will be loads of requests, hopefully wordpress.com will manage to handle the pressure. We’ll see.

Take care now, see you at the interview!

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 31, 2008 at 11:47 am

Posted in Amazing Offers

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The Stairs of Death

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Today we’ll have a small Oracle workshop sponsored by one of our Oracle Certified Associates:

Oracle Associate Logo

Have you ever seen a huge, and I mean huge piece of code full of nested blocks? I bet you did. The most encouraging thing that could happen is to see something like this in your editor at the end:

5687:                END IF;  -- You can now hang yourself here.
5688:              END LOOP;  --                               |
5689:            END IF;      --                               |
5690:          END IF;        --                               O
5691:        END IF;          --                              /|\
5692:      END LOOP;          --                              / \
5693:    END IF;
5694:  END IF;
5695:END;

This is called The Stairs of Death. It’s the best way to express your love to those who some day will have to continue the development of this magnificent programming gem. You can imagine climbing up there and hanging yourself.

Such and similar ASCII (pronounced Ass-Key) art is usually found in code of Sergey Klepalov.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 29, 2008 at 12:17 pm

Mohamed Abdullah – Systems Administrator

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Mohamed AbdullahThis dude is our “root”. When Iraq got into this.. eh.. “inconvenient” situation a few years ago, Mohamed asked for shelter as he claims to be a pacifist. The AK47 assault rifle in his photo is legitimate and purchased from eBay for self defense purposes only. Here is the proof:

Mohamed’s Firearm Possession Permit. Valid, of course.

In fact, you should consider getting one too. I’ve heard they have discounts for mass purchases. Here is the ad Mohamed gave me a while ago:

Get guns off the streets - buy one yourself!

It happened that Dizzy Jones was the one who noticed his talent. Believe it or not but Mohamed Abdullah is the best systems administrator you can have. After he got hired at SHIT Inc. all employees suddenly stopped complaining about router configurations, proxy restrictions, broken keyboards, no Internet connection, etc. Isn’t it wonderful?

However, this great guy has a small issue – he’s not a social person. But you won’t find a good systems administrator that is. That must be another law of physics. First law of physics was “There is no designer that is not gay”. I’m going to start writing them down somewhere. Mohamed also lacks a sense of humor but that’s fine – different cultures laugh at different things.

When asked a question “What do you do after work, Mohamed?” he knits his brows and answers “I SET UP FIREWALLS, WHY?”.

For the unbelievably low budget spent on hardware for the past year Dizzy Jones entitled Mohamed Abullah as “Employee of the Year 2007” and gave him this valuable gift CD with authentic autograph on it:

Valuable Gift CD with Dizzy Jones’ autograph!

Be sure to say hi to this dude next time you see him on metro! Don’t be afraid – deep inside he’s friendly and sensitive!

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 28, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Guaranteed Execution

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Dear Reader. Today is the opening of the Best Practices section and I am proud to introduce to you the first Design Pattern that was recently discovered by one of my beloved colleagues. Without further ado, here it is:

Pattern Name and Classification:
Guaranteed Execution

Discovered by: Willy Benton

Level of Complexity: Intermediate

Intent: Provides a fail safe way of executing a code block with 100% certainty.

Also Known As: Surefire Block, 100% Execution, Execute It For Real

Motivation (Forces): Imagine you have a code block that plays a very important role in your application. You wouldn’t want that block to be accidentally skipped by the compiler or interpreter, or by CPU in run time. You have to take precautions. Guaranteed Execution is the best practice in such occasions.

Applicability: Can be used in any programming language which supports If / Else constraints. Although, we suggest extensive use of Guaranteed Execution design pattern in PHP, Perl and Ruby to make sure your mission critical applications will work as expected.

Structure:

Guaranteed Execution Design Pattern

Participants:

Compiler / Interpreter / CPU – a thing that processes the code (the author is not quite sure which one is it).
Critical Code Block – a block of code which MUST be executed by any means necessary.
The Lure – If / Else statement that attracts the attention of Compiler / Interpreter / CPU therefore lures it into execution of the Critical Code Block.

Collaboration: Either compiler, interpreter or CPU is doing it’s usual daily job – computing and stuff. One of them notices The Lure – an If / Else statement, and says “Shit, this must be important, I’d better go execute it”. If / Else statement traps the Compiler / Interpreter / CPU and forces it to execute the Critical Code Block. Job well done!

Consequences: Your mission critical application will work as expected. No trade offs or side effects whatsoever as If / Else statements work really fast (“I am sure If / Else statements work as fast as your eye blinks” – W. Benton).

Implementation: The implementation is straightforward. It should get clear after reading the Sample Code.

Sample Code:


<!-- the usual HTML here -->

<?php

//Compiler / Interpreter / CPU hidden here somewhere

$a = 1;
$b = 2;

//The Lure
if (!is_empty($a + $b / 10032)) {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";
} else {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";
}
?>

<!-- back to the usual HTML here -->

Known Uses: Number of mission critical applications of SHIT Inc. that cannot be disclosed.

Related Patterns: Soon to come (wait for the updates).

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 27, 2008 at 9:16 am

Sergey Klepalov – Senior software architect

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Sergey KlepalovSergey is the mastermind behind most of our products. He has 20 years of experience in Oracle and Java and has his own ways for solving problems. Such amount of skill must have opened his brain so he can answer any given question from Oracle or Java and his answer will happen to be the most optimal solution for the problem. He refuses to believe in Object Oriented Programming or Design Patterns as they are uncommon in nature of computer science. Klepalov has taken Java programming to new unbelievable heights. No other developer of SHIT Inc. is able to write a fully functional large scale enterprise Java program in a single Class with one method without using any external libraries except OracleJDBC drivers. And that, my friends, is done with no fancy IDE like Eclipse or IDEA which changes your diapers, powders your sorry ass and makes you a cup of sweet coffee while you drag and drop snippets and click “Next”, “Yes”, “Build”, “Run”, “Debug” or “Fix Memory Leaks” buttons, Sergey Klepalov does it with VIM. Because Real Men use VIM for everything. Period.

Klepalov is Oracle Certified Associate:

Oracle Associate Logo

And of course, a Certified Professional of Java Technology:

S. Klepalov’s Java Certification

I have tracked his Java certification process personally. Here is the unofficial chart of his passed Java certifications:

Klepalov’s Java Certification Achievements

Expects lots of “Best Practice” articles inspired by this great fellow soon.

Written by Ken Benchmark Jr.

January 26, 2008 at 9:41 am

Posted in Colleagues

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