Up Yours Truly

I have good news for you. There might be a slight chance that you can join the amazing team of SHIT Inc.!

The requirements are quite rough though:

10 years of battleground based experience in at least 5 of these programming languages:

• Assembly
• C
• C++
• C#
• CSS
• Java
• JavaScript
• PL/SQL
• Python
• PHP
• Perl
• Ruby
• HTML

Well awareness of the following software development methodologies that are heavily used at SHIT Inc.:

• Asshole Driven Development
• Chaos (aka. Agile)
• Blog Driven Development
• Buzzword Driven Development
• Cover Your Ass Engineering
• Not My Problem Approach
• Client Ass Licking Management
• Leave This Do That Approach
• Martin Fowler‘s Fat Ass Driven Development

We offer these great advantages for a full-time employee:

• Great career opportunities
• Great salary ($12/hour)
• Tremendous bonuses

We offer you this position:

• Junior Web Developer

If you think you can do it, including an interview with Dizzy, apply right here in the comments.

I understand there will be loads of requests, hopefully wordpress.com will manage to handle the pressure. We’ll see.

Take care now, see you at the interview!

Today we’ll have a small Oracle workshop sponsored by one of our Oracle Certified Associates:

Have you ever seen a huge, and I mean huge piece of code full of nested blocks? I bet you did. The most encouraging thing that could happen is to see something like this in your editor at the end:

5687:                END IF;  -- You can now hang yourself here.
5688:              END LOOP;  --                               |
5689:            END IF;      --                               |
5690:          END IF;        --                               O
5691:        END IF;          --                              /|\
5692:      END LOOP;          --                              / \
5693:    END IF;
5694:  END IF;
5695:END;

This is called The Stairs of Death. It’s the best way to express your love to those who some day will have to continue the development of this magnificent programming gem. You can imagine climbing up there and hanging yourself.

Such and similar ASCII (pronounced Ass-Key) art is usually found in code of Sergey Klepalov.

This dude is our “root”. When Iraq got into this.. eh.. “inconvenient” situation a few years ago, Mohamed asked for shelter as he claims to be a pacifist. The AK47 assault rifle in his photo is legitimate and purchased from eBay for self defense purposes only. Here is the proof:

In fact, you should consider getting one too. I’ve heard they have discounts for mass purchases. Here is the ad Mohamed gave me a while ago:

It happened that Dizzy Jones was the one who noticed his talent. Believe it or not but Mohamed Abdullah is the best systems administrator you can have. After he got hired at SHIT Inc. all employees suddenly stopped complaining about router configurations, proxy restrictions, broken keyboards, no Internet connection, etc. Isn’t it wonderful?

However, this great guy has a small issue – he’s not a social person. But you won’t find a good systems administrator that is. That must be another law of physics. First law of physics was “There is no designer that is not gay”. I’m going to start writing them down somewhere. Mohamed also lacks a sense of humor but that’s fine – different cultures laugh at different things.

When asked a question “What do you do after work, Mohamed?” he knits his brows and answers “I SET UP FIREWALLS, WHY?”.

For the unbelievably low budget spent on hardware for the past year Dizzy Jones entitled Mohamed Abullah as “Employee of the Year 2007″ and gave him this valuable gift CD with authentic autograph on it:

Be sure to say hi to this dude next time you see him on metro! Don’t be afraid – deep inside he’s friendly and sensitive!

Dear Reader. Today is the opening of the Best Practices section and I am proud to introduce to you the first Design Pattern that was recently discovered by one of my beloved colleagues. Without further ado, here it is:

Pattern Name and Classification: Guaranteed Execution

Discovered by: Willy Benton

Level of Complexity: Intermediate

Intent: Provides a fail safe way of executing a code block with 100% certainty.

Also Known As: Surefire Block, 100% Execution, Execute It For Real

Motivation (Forces): Imagine you have a code block that plays a very important role in your application. You wouldn’t want that block to be accidentally skipped by the compiler or interpreter, or by CPU in run time. You have to take precautions. Guaranteed Execution is the best practice in such occasions.

Applicability: Can be used in any programming language which supports If / Else constraints. Although, we suggest extensive use of Guaranteed Execution design pattern in PHP, Perl and Ruby to make sure your mission critical applications will work as expected.

Structure:

Participants:
Compiler / Interpreter / CPU – a thing that processes the code (the author is not quite sure which one is it).
Critical Code Block – a block of code which MUST be executed by any means necessary.
The Lure – If / Else statement that attracts the attention of Compiler / Interpreter / CPU therefore lures it into execution of the Critical Code Block.

Collaboration: Either compiler, interpreter or CPU is doing it’s usual daily job – computing and stuff. One of them notices The Lure – an If / Else statement, and says “Shit, this must be important, I’d better go execute it”. If / Else statement traps the Compiler / Interpreter / CPU and forces it to execute the Critical Code Block. Job well done!

Consequences: Your mission critical application will work as expected. No trade offs or side effects whatsoever as If / Else statements work really fast (“I am sure If / Else statements work as fast as your eye blinks” – W. Benton).

Implementation: The implementation is straightforward. It should get clear after reading the Sample Code.

Sample Code:

<!-- the usual HTML here -->

<?php

//Compiler / Interpreter / CPU hidden here somewhere

$a = 1;
$b = 2;

//The Lure
if (!is_empty($a + $b / 10032)) {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";
} else {
    //Critical Code Block
    $application_safe = true;
    $critical = "executed";
}
?>

<!-- back to the usual HTML here -->

Known Uses: Number of mission critical applications of SHIT Inc. that cannot be disclosed.

Related Patterns: Soon to come (wait for the updates).

Sergey is the mastermind behind most of our products. He has 20 years of experience in Oracle and Java and has his own ways for solving problems. Such amount of skill must have opened his brain so he can answer any given question from Oracle or Java and his answer will happen to be the most optimal solution for the problem. He refuses to believe in Object Oriented Programming or Design Patterns as they are uncommon in nature of computer science. Klepalov has taken Java programming to new unbelievable heights. No other developer of SHIT Inc. is able to write a fully functional large scale enterprise Java program in a single Class with one method without using any external libraries except OracleJDBC drivers. And that, my friends, is done with no fancy IDE like Eclipse or IDEA which changes your diapers, powders your sorry ass and makes you a cup of sweet coffee while you drag and drop snippets and click “Next”, “Yes”, “Build”, “Run”, “Debug” or “Fix Memory Leaks” buttons, Sergey Klepalov does it with VIM. Because Real Men use VIM for everything. Period.

Klepalov is Oracle Certified Associate:

And of course, a Certified Professional of Java Technology:

I have tracked his Java certification process personally. Here is the unofficial chart of his passed Java certifications:

Expects lots of “Best Practice” articles inspired by this great fellow soon.

There is no object he could not sell at least 10 times of it’s original cost. He is the one who can sell a used pencil for $99.99 by convincing it’s a brand new 16GB high speed USB storage device extracted from aliens at Area 51. He can even sell it twice. To same guy. By talking him to give it back for violation of EULA in first place. To a guy who does not own a computer, i.e. a homeless person who is well aware of technology. Even if the guy would have to sell his kidney to get the pencil, but hell, he would.

When Dizzy starts talking, everybody listens. They have no choice because he talks too fast to get interrupted. And of course he is the CEO behind the SHIT Inc. As every successful CEO of a fortune 5000 company like SHIT Inc., Dizzy has no clue about what is going on, as he barely visits the office. When he does, every employee stands up and honors him with Hail Hitler move out of plain respect.

Mr. Jones is great at hiring people. If the interviewee has any weak points at all, Dizzy finds them and stabs the fellow mentally so hard that the person has the following three choices left:

1. Hang himself.
2. Pay $99/month for a chance to work at SHIT Inc. 60 hours a week as a volunteer.
3. Pretend that Universe is a figment of his imagination and get an instant out of body experience. In other words, to have a permanent coma.

If you wish to apply to SHIT Inc., you should first take a 3-year course of training in courtesy of Shoalin monks. When you can slay a Bengal tiger by looking him in the eye for three minutes and break construction blocks with your forehead – you are ready.

In early days of the company Dizzy Jones did programming too. He didn’t have to know any programming language, his code was so convincing that any compiler would make a perfect bug-free byte code out of his Microsoft Word documents. Nobody understands this phenomenon and perhaps never will. It must be because average person uses 2% of his brain while Dizzy Jones uses the whole 99.99%.

Willy is special. Not in the “Special Olympics” kind of way, simply special. He’s got awesome talent of programming HTML with Macromedia Dreamweaver IDE. Many were amazed of how innovative he gets when it comes to programming web pages. Willy has worked in SHIT for years, he is one of the oldest and most respected developers around. I’m absolutely sure he is one of the key members behind W3C, though Willy denies it as he is a decent, unspoiled person that refuses to accept his great achievements.

On the personal side, he’s got truly immense sense of humor which he tends to express by emailing funny pictures and YouTube links to colleagues all day long. Have I mentioned that he is the most stylish software developer I met? Great hairdo, fancy outfit – any woman in our company would die for him.

Despite of Willy’s gorgeous looks, all his achievements are the result of his knowledge and wisdom. He recently realized that his wizardry of HTML programming has reached the limit of perfection therefore he moved to a next level – the wonderful land of PHP. Nobody has a doubt that he will soon overcome the best specialists of this beautiful programming language. SHIT Inc. should start worrying about Zend taking him over as a core PHP internals developer.

Some of Willy’s award-winning methodologies will be secretly revealed under “Best Practices” section which will appear on this blog really soon, so stay tuned! A great tribute of his upcoming PHP development success must go to his weapon of choice – Macromedia Dreamweaver:

When asked a question “Willy, what inspires you the most?”, he mysterious grins and says “I think it’s Chuck.”.

To begin with, let me introduce the main environment – my company. Don’t get me wrong, It doesn’t belong to me, I simply work here. The Company has a great, honorable name - Special Highly Intelligent Technologies Inc. I’ll refer to it as SHIT Inc. or simply SHIT for shorters. As of today SHIT is one of the leading software development companies there is. The philosophy behind company’s great fortune is simple, beautiful to perfection, just like a raw diamond. Here is the official mission statement:

“We stick our head up the ass of The Rich and do it with pride. The poor can go fuck themselves and visit our competitors, which we have none worthy. Yeah.”

The short version:

“Stay deep up the ass and don’t let go.”

SHIT Inc. products are based on a rock-solid stack of both mainstream and bleeding-edge programming languages:

I may get sued for disclosing this highly sensitive information though I have nothing to loose so be it. Other companies have the right to use these specific amounts of languages in their source code to make a quick fortune while “The SHIT Stack” patent (#5776122) is still pending.

Products of this company will not be disclosed. They are used by millions, commercial advertisements appear on all major television networks like ABC, CBS, NBC, BBC, MTV, you name it.

The innovations originating from top notch specialists – the bright minds SHIT is full of – are countless. That includes great tributes to Open Source communities, hosting of major IT seminars, inventing new standards and paradigms in software architectures, development, team management, software testing and deployment.

SHIT has a modern spacey office with unique design – no rooms nor cubicles, just thin walls with lots of huge holes you can go through, see through and hear through. The interior designer must be one of those who “doesn’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, he just fucks his uncle all day long“. The better the designer – the more gay he must be. That is one of the essential laws of physics, can’t help it. Thanks to this fanny bandit most of the company employees can easily communicate with the rest right from their seats – no need for an intercom!

Another great part of the big picture is the salary. Fuck it, I still can’t decide what should be my ride. The final choice is between these two – Chrysler 300C and Lexus LS460l. Any suggestions?